Malcolm in the Middle

I don’t remember exactly which day this one happened on and unfortunately, I’m not somewhere that I can look it up. (I love modern technology and newfound mobility because of it!) However, when I do find it, I’ll move this to that date and all will be well. Until then, assume it’s late July or early August of 2004 or was it 2005? My Hollywood career is such a blur because I only get to work a day or two on tons of shows and it gets hard to keep a good mental timeline.

Newsflash: Jen just informed me that it was the first show of their last season. Episode 130. It aired September 30th, 2005. So, this must’ve taken place around July 30, 2005.

I was a stand-in on Malcolm in the Middle. It was the first episode of their last season. What tripped me out the most about this shoot was that I was standing in for Malcolm…yeah, Frankie Muniz. I couldn’t believe it, either.

It started off rather normal. I got to the location (this was the Burning Man episode and they were shooting pretty far out of town), got my voucher and headed to the set. The crew was awesome, introducing themselves to me, helping me along. They’d been doing the show forever and were already in tune with each other. I was playing catch-up. Plus, I’d only been a stand-in a few times prior. It’s a whole lot different than being an extra.

Of course, since I was standing in for the lead, I worked between every take. They’d set up the camera and show me where my mark was, do their lighting, get it all framed up and then I’d step out. Frankie stepped in, did the scene and we were on to the next. I got pretty good at being ahead of the game, but it was far from easy. I did receive a lot of coaching from the stand-in for the father. He was very helpful…very, very helpful and I hope I get to work with him again some day. I think he’d been on Malcolm since either the beginning or darn close to it and had been standing in for years before that, too.

I was on this show for two days. Both were hot, but also fun and I learned a lot.

I got to talking to Bobby Porter, the Stunt Coordinator on the show. He gave me his card after I told him about Driven to Distraction and how we might have a few questions about how specific stunts are done and even the ingredients for a typical Safety Meeting that is done before every stunt. I learned a lot of interesting stuff from him, too.

That’s mostly what this gig was about for me: learning.

At some point toward the end of the shoot, I found myself in a conversation with one of the guys in the Art Department. I don’t recall if he was a set decorator or just one of the set-up/take-down crew. It’s been too long to remember for sure what he did on the show, but the one thing he gave me was his email address because he’d taken a few action shots of me while I was standing in.

Since I was never on camera during the episode, all I have are these photographs of my time on Malcolm in the Middle.

These next two are from the latter part of the shoot and they’re one of the things I love about Hollywood: any frame taken out of context gets kinda funny sometimes! Pardon me while I toot my own horn…

The other girl with a horn was also a regular stand-in on the show. She was really nice and also helped me along.

Okay, now for the big, crazy shot. This one’s my favorite because it really illustrates what goes on during filming. I even got to go for a ride several times on that whole contraption!

Learning, learning, and more learning! All in a two day shoot on Malcolm in the Middle!

I just interviewed for reality TV

I don’t really know why I went, but that’s nothing new. I go with my gut and trust my instincts on stuff and I’m rarely steered wrong. At this point, it was just for the experience, the adventure.

Truthfully, it was even smaller than I’d expected. The show is web-based, so it’s not like any of this town’s big names are gonna show up. Sure the exposure is big–being on the web and all–but it depends on the traffic driven to the site. I mean, there are no guarantees.

Besides, they may not want me anyway. I’m in SAG. I mostly did this to see what it’d be like, not to promote books although it’d be a good by-product. Plus, I’m on the cusp of getting published, so this would be an interesting time to invade my life and splash it all over the web. Hey, could be fun.

To start, there was an eight (or more, I didn’t count) page questionnaire to fill out. Then, a little bit of waiting while they got themselves figured out better. (I was only the second one they’d interviewed) Once I got into the final room for the interview, it went well. I don’t know how good my chances are and I also don’t know if I really want to be in the show.

It’s funny. I thought I’d feel something about whether I wanted to do the show or not, but I left feeling middle-of-the-road.

Maybe that’s from my experiences with rejection letters lately. I don’t get my hopes up about things I can’t control. And today’s experience was reassuring proof of that.

I also thought I’d get nervous, but once I was in the building, my nerves never frazzled. I wasn’t relaxed, but I also wasn’t frozen in fear. Very strange.

As I sit here blogging, I’m still trying to make sense of the experience and even theorize whether or not I’ll get on the show, but I’m a complete blank.

Of course in my own little world, the show should be all about me, me, me because I’m wonderful.

But I also happen to live in the real world–which is a whole lot bigger than my own little world–and I understand how this Hollywood stuff works!

I was asked about how I write erotic romance and whether I had any strife in my family. Mainly, I think I was essentially dubbed ‘The chick who’s livin’ the dream’ and filed away.

Whatever. The experience was worth more than the price of admission and that’s what’s most important. And certain aspects of the adventure will definitely show up in the next book I’m writing. Oh hell yeah.

Life is good…very, very good.

Over There

This was only an audition. I had zero hopes of getting on this show. I never get the stuff I audition for. Not that I’m complaining…I’m only telling the truth.

There were three of us women. It was the first day of shooting. One of us was going to be a soldier’s wife.

We waited around for what felt like an eternity but was only about an hour and a half–even got to hear the ‘This Is The First Day of Shooting’ lecture that the 1st AD inevitably gives. But were we going to be part of the family? Only one of us.

The 2nd AD took our pictures and joked with us.

Then we left.

I didn’t bother waiting by the phone…

It, of course, didn’t ring.

Threat Matrix

The following is from an email I’d sent to Jen:

So, yeah, last night aside from getting more good stuff to put into books, I did an amazing job and they loved all my 80s stuff…especially my 80s hair. You know how I used to do it with the one side flipped up, etc. I just did that again and they LOVED it. They said I had the best hair of the whole show.

As for stuff we need to add into books… We got to the first location with our cars and they initially had me park mine and then I was gonna be a pedestrian, but they last second changed their mind and wanted me to drive through. So, there I go trotting across the street and just as I get behind my car, my feet come completely out from underneath me. I did manage to hurt my wrist and elbow, but the fall was so comic, I just couldn’t mention it.

They’re all askin’ if I’m okay, and I’m laughin’ and giggling, saying I’m fine and I get in the car and do the stuff. And honestly, at the time, I was fine. It wasn’t for about 6 hours later that I started feelin’ it. Ah well. It was just such a Blaina moment. She’s eager to drive on set, so I think it’d be hilarious. We should put something like that in Driven To Distraction.

Okay, now for standing in… Well, sitting in and the scene after that I stood in. And you’re never gonna believe who for… First let me say that she’s about 4 inches taller than me and had long, poofy blonde hair. Yes, I looked NOTHING like her… Denise Crosby. Probably best known as Tasha Yar from Star Trek Next Generation. She’s way cool and she likes late 60s rock ‘n’ roll and rockabilly.

I was just having one of those incredibly ‘on’ kind of nights. The guy I was standing in with was asking me where to go and what to do and the ADs loved me to pieces because I was always trying to fill empty spots and wasn’t afraid to walk between the principals and the camera. I seriously think that of the 4 or 5 different scenes where I walked in front of the camera, one of them has got to be saved from the cutting room floor. This episode takes place in 1983. Two American agents are tailing a Russian agent. This was 2nd unit, so that’s about all the information I have on the episode.

Sleepover

I think the movie was called Sleepover, but I’m not positive. I remember it being a high school kids movie. This was my second time being a stand-in.

The regular stand-in didn’t show up that night for some reason, so the 2nd Assistant Director gathered up all of the female extras, I believe there were only about four or five of us. We stood there, waiting to find out which of us would be the stand-in.

It came down to me and another girl. The AD got on her radio saying something like, “Well, neither of them look like her at all. Do you want someone the right size, but an inch shorter and with the wrong hair color or someone who’s the right height, but wrong size and also wrong hair color?” Then the radio broke up and the AD had to just make a quick decision.

The following is an excerpt from an email I wrote to Jen the day after the shoot:

Let me get the two dirty jokes from the set out of the way… ‘What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? …She choked…’ and you know the saying: ‘I’m all over it, like white on rice.’ Well, new and improved: ‘I’m all over it, like a grip on an extra.’

Now for story time… The female stand-in didn’t show up, so they lined up all the girls and picked one–me! And I look nothing like the actress, but I’m the same size as she is. So, they put this incredibly ill-fitting blonde wig on me. Remember Julia Roberts in the beginning of Pretty Woman? That’s kinda the style of this blonde wig. I looked horrible.

They gave me a pink shirt to put on, too and there I go to be a stand-in. It’s cold and raining off and on, but at least as a stand-in, I can sit in the nice director’s chairs by the heaters. Anyhow, I was kinda feeling like Blaina must feel when she’s trussed up to look like Meleta. I mean, guys didn’t know what to make of my fake hair. Some were afraid to ask! It was pretty funny. I wish I’d had a camera.

Meet Blaina and Meleta in Driver to Distraction.

The Shampoo Commercial Audition

The following is an excerpt from an email I’d sent shortly after this wild and crazy adventure:

I got a message on my voicemail–an agent telling me that a casting director had requested me for a commercial and that she’d tracked me down by calling SAG to get my number. I call her back and set up an appointment for the following morning to come in and have a talk with her. Mind you, I’m in the absolute middle of getting everything ready for RT–costumes, promo, writing, everything–and I was worried that I wasn’t going to have time to get it all done before it was time to leave.

So, I go in to meet her and I brought in a headshot just in case. I mean, I have no idea who gave her my name, why they gave her my name. I’m completely clueless, just going with the adventure. Okay, so she has me talk to another agent. They make a bunch of copies of my headshot, slap their sticker on one of them and tell me I gotta go over to this other place to talk to some other guy. I’m thinking I’m going to another office kind of situation. I’m nervous as hell because I’d never been to an agency before let alone going to two in one day. I’m just a lowly background actor who hasn’t worked for a month. What the hell do I know, right? I still have no idea how any of this came about. I’m just letting it take me on the journey.

I go to see this other guy and I land at an audition hall. There’s all these 6-foot-tall, skinnier-than-I-am women with long straight hair–yes, everything I am not. And I still have no idea who I’m seeing or even why I’m seeing the guy… and at that moment, where the hell was the guy anyway?! As I’m looking for the right room, a woman comes out to talk to another guy. She tells him his monologue was good and now he just needed to go back in and give them a real strong read.

And if I wasn’t completely freaking out before, I’m definitely gettin’ weathered around the edges at this point. I mean, yeah, I have two monologues memorized, but those were from years ago and I haven’t rehearsed them for at least three years. I’m a background actor for goodness sake! I don’t speak on camera!

I sign in and sit down–still completely unsure where I am, why I’m there and what’s really going on.

A guy whom I swear I’ve never seen before comes out of one of the rooms, beckons me over to him, shoves a Polaroid camera inches from my face, and snaps a shot before I even know what has hit me. Although, by this time, I was really getting off on the adventure and surreality of my situation. It’d been years since my last crazy adventure like this. And things were waaaaay far beyond any ounce of my control at that point.

Okay, so he leads me into the room and I nearly fall over when I see that there’s a camera in there.

I did my very first screen test that day and then walked out of there thinking that all in all, I’d had a damn good time of it. I mean, it was a hair commercial and I was actually having a good hair day at least!

And now to tie the whole thing together… to this day, I still have no idea who any of these people are or how they got my name. Generally, when something this odd happens, it’s an avalanche and I’d at least get a call about it. But nothing this time. I was just in the crazy, unsure reality not having even the faintest idea what to do about it.

Man On Fire

The bulk of the following Tale is copied from an email I’d sent to Jen after my first week as a Production Assistant on a feature film called Man On Fire. I had a great time and really loved the job after I got used to it.

This was my first foray into being a runner. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, too, because once my head stopped spinning, I had a great time, top down and listening to my radio in my convertible ’68 Mustang as I cruised LA.

The toughest parts of the job were strategically planning my route and…well…I don’t recall anything else as actually being difficult! Even LA traffic ceases most of its annoyance when there’s no need to hurry.

OK… I’ve been a PA for one full week. I’m actually not much of a Production Assistant as I am a Runner.

I drive about a hundred miles everyday. I know my way around Hollywood like it’s second nature. I’m learning Santa Monica and the West Side as well. I’m even venturing over to Glendale and East LA. My goodness! I do a lot of driving. I love it, but it does get tiring in traffic sometimes. I’m mostly glad that the the people in the office understand traffic. They don’t expect me to go 40 miles roundtrip in an hour when I leave the office after 3:30. I was really afraid of that at first. So far, there’s only been one trip I had to make with a time limit. Actually, that’s probably the best description of the kinds of things I do at my new job:

Start in the Valley at Western Costume where the Wardrobe office is located.

Go to West Hollywood and get camera from receptionist at production office.

Figure out how to advance the roll and get it out of the camera.

Go to one-hour photo place about a mile away.

Discover that the one-hour photo machine is broken and look for another place.

Have film developed. It’s gotta be done in exactly an hour or I’m not gonna make it back to the production office in time for the big design meeting.

Find a place to wait… I ended up at Starbucks. As I was sitting there being bored, Michael Vartan from Alias walked in and got his morning coffee. He really did look like he just got up!

Finish drinking my tea and eating my chocolate croissant.

Go lean on film counter ten minutes early because I need to get back to the production office.

Pay for film as one of the assistant designers calls me and asks where the hell am I because the meeting is about to start.

Inform her that the place she told me to go had a broken machine so I had to find another place.

Take deep breath as she sounds relieved.

Run to my car and get back to the production office.

Hand over the pix and the camera as the assistant designer and the head designer pretend as though they never called wondering where I was.

Go to the main production office in Santa Monica and pick up paperwork.

Go back to the production office and drop off some of the paperwork–but mostly hang around and wait for the assistant designer to remember that I’m waiting in the lobby for her.

Because she doesn’t have anywhere else for me to go, head back to the wardrobe office in the Valley.

From there, go back over to West Hollywood at the Beverly Center and return 2 suits to Hugo Boss because Denzel Washington is going to wear the beige one, not the grey ones.

Go back to the wardrobe office and drop off the receipts.

Yeah, that’s a typical day for me… Except that I usually go to at least 10 different places to either pick up, drop off or buy something. Sometimes, I even go to the same place twice!

Oh, and when the film comes out, look for the scene where Denzel is wearing a dust mask of some sort. They sent me to OSH and Home Depot to get it. That’s my claim to fame on this movie so far. yippie…

I’ve also handled and transported some of Denzel’s personal clothing. He’s got good taste. And apparently, if he likes something, he’ll wear it out!

And I’ve also learned that Hollywood accountants are really really picky. No one told me that not only was I supposed to be keeping track of my mileage, I was also supposed to be keeping track of where I was going and how far each stop was from the next. I nearly cried when the producer told me that… on Friday. I did the best I could to recreate my routes for the week, but I ended up about 70 miles short in comparison to what mapquest said and what my odometer said. I guess that’s the price I pay for experience. Oh well. I surprised the heck out of myself with what I remembered of my routes. And at least I’ll get paid for most of it.

So, that’s a week in the life of a PA. 1 down and 4 to go! I love it, but boy oh boy is it hectic and tiring. I think I could definitely do this many more times as long as I know that it’ll be about 5 weeks and then I can have a few weeks off after that.

If I ever meet Denzel, I’m sure I’ll post a story. So far, I’ve only touched his clothing.

I didn’t touch Michael Vartan, though… I know Jen was wishing she could have!

During one of my last weeks, I did get to see Denzel at the production office. He seemed very nice, but I wasn’t really supposed to be in the room at the time and, in fact, was in there accidentally. Whoops! As soon as I realized I’d goofed, I practically ran out of there. I was delivering a batch of photographs. I’d asked where everyone was and the only reply I got was a fellow pointing into a room while talking on a phone, so I just went in there, did my deer in headlights impression, handed over the photos and ran right back out again.

I do love Hollywood, though. This is absolutely where I belong!

Good Morning Miami

The following is an excerpt from an email I’d sent the day after this shoot:

I helped out with Good Morning Miami on Wednesday. I was off-screen sound effects so to speak. No big deal. Got to see Fran Drescher in person, though. She was really great.

Actually, I was paid to watch the show and laugh along with whatever was funny. Pretty silly when you think about it, but it was an easy day and I have yet to do another one like it. The warm-up comedian was great and was cracking some downright hilarious jokes. I recall bringing my notebook, but never getting it open because I was having so much fun.

Store not available