Strong Medicine

This is a two-parter because in order to more fully explain my initial horror when I was on the pilot ‘Crazy‘, I need to explain my horror from when I was on Strong Medicine in May or so of 2003. I have never written it down. Yes, it was that traumatic and horrendous…at least for me anyway.

So, here we go…Strong Medicine…I was the worst extra on the planet.

You know those days when you just can’t do anything right? You try, you really do, but for some reason, the planets are completely misaligned and you just can’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Well…that was me…

And I was all excited because it was shooting about fifteen minutes from my house. Short drive compared to the usual and therefore, I was hoping that I’d do such a smashing job that maybe they’d call me back or use me as a regular.

Well…The process of getting there, getting my voucher, getting into costume…all of it was normal. It wasn’t until us extras were herded from holding and brought to the set that trouble struck. I was playing a police station office worker.

Generally, that means a lot of ‘pick up these papers and these folders, go to the next desk, drop some off and pick up others, then work your way to the filing cabinet and set some in the inbox on top before heading down the hallway.’ No problem, right?

Well…My horror was started when the PA said she wished she had more extras to cover the whole office with lots of movement. I took this to mean that I should cover the whole office, moving like the ball in a pinball machine from bookcase to desk, to shelf, to file, to counter, to copier, wherever there was an empty spot. Normally, that’s what I do anyway if I’m not given specific instructions on where/when/how to cross.

However…This day happened to be the day when my memory was failing me. See, we all have to match our actions to every take. We have to hit the same marks at the same times on the actors same lines…and I was the worst extra ever. I couldn’t remember a damn thing from take to take.

Then…to make matters worse, the director throws us a curveball and when the lead actress shouts about her homosexuality, we’re all supposed to pay more attention to her than work…

But no one specified that we were supposed to literally stop and stare. So, there I was…the busy little bee, carrying and exchanging my paperwork all over the set…and I missed the cue completely! And not just once! I was so bad that the director came out from video village and mimicked me as an example of what NOT to do!

I was mortified…I still am. Hell, there was even one take where I didn’t know the camera was starting on me and I accidentally looked directly in it, immediately giving the ‘deer in headlights look’ and completely ruining that take.

I sucked. And I knew it! And it was awful! So awful that I never really told anyone about it because the experience was so traumatizing. I was terrible and what would have been a great gig–only 5 hours total and within spittin’ distance of home–turned into my greatest nightmare.

But I did learn what NEVER to do ever again. Truthfully, I was surprised I didn’t get thrown off the set for being so terrible. I was betting the director was thinking something like, “I hope I never see that one crappy extra ever again.”

That evening, I went home and I told Jason about it, but really held back the details. He laughed pretty hard. And at the time it wasn’t funny, but now I find it just as hilarious as traumatizing. And at least I can say that since then, I have always matched from take to take. My continuity has been spot on unless an AD has told me otherwise.

Crazy

Okay, now that I’ve explained my embarrassment on Strong Medicine, I can more effectively explain what happened on ‘Crazy’, a pilot with Lara Flynn Boyle.

I was a hooker!

I was supposed to be all drug addicted and really skeezy, but I didn’t exactly have ‘that’ kind of hooker wardrobe so I just brought what I had that I thought might work. I ended up in a one-armed zebra print tank top, leather skirt [zippers on both hips, of course] and my 5-inch, multi-buckle, fuck-me boots…which I’ve had for years, but never actually wore.

One of the PAs gave us this fantastic speech giving us the rundown of what the night looked like and who some of the crew people were. I remember thinking that was nice of him. He even described the director as being a very strong woman. [That should have been my first clue.]

I was the only hooker on the whole call. It felt a little bizarre, but at least I knew I wouldn’t be brawling with some other chick over whatever street corner…

The exterior police station shot just above Hollywood boulevard on Cherokee. If I remember correctly, they dressed up a bus station or something to look like a police station. Anyhow, there I was in my little hooker get-up, ready to do my absolute best. I was paired up with an officer who was supposedly taking me into the station.

But then the actress who plays Lara’s sister on the show was running her lines and stopped to talk to a couple officers behind me, then walked up to me and said, “Take care, Tanya. Be strong,” before continuing on to where Lara was standing.

Then, time stood still, the planets all stopped, everything ceased motion…The director came over to me and sorta did a double-take, but I knew EXACTLY who she was and instantly prayed she didn’t remember that crappy extra on Strong Medicine a few years back. I was mortified, but I kept it in check. And if she remembered me, she didn’t say anything other than, “Are there any other hookers on the call? She’s just not trashy enough.”

I took that as a compliment, of course!

Anyhow, for the record, I had zero idea that I’d have any kind of a ‘part’ in this thing, let alone a name. Good golly, was I thrilled and terrified all at the same time. I mean, the night was young, what if I turned into the world’s worst extra again? The horror! The terror!

So, instead of one cop walking me into the station, they made it look like I’d just gotten out. I had a plastic bag with my assorted purse crap and throughout each take, I transfered everything from the plastic bag to this wild purse that wardrobe gave me at the last second. All the while, I argued with two officers as though they wanted me to go away from the front of the station.

On a certain cue, I was instructed to walk out of the gated entrance and down the sidewalk into the street.

Oh, did I mention that there were a ton of Hollywood tourists standing across the street watching this whole thing? Yeah…Somewhere, there’s probably a tourist shot of my ass or something.

Anyway, when I walked to the street, my heels made too much noise. The sound man asked me to tiptoe. I showed him my boots, “I AM tiptoeing just to walk in these things.” He didn’t get it. No matter how I tried to explain it to him, he just didn’t understand, so on my next walk through frame, I did my best to tiptoe, but that not only made me walk funny, but a lot slower. One of the ADs came up to me and told me to go faster. I replied, “I can either walk fast and loud or slow and funny. Which would you prefer?” He looked at me strangely and just said, “Do your best.”

I did…

Then the car they were using overheated and we had to do a different part of the scene. But I did overhear someone saying, have anyone but the hooker walk through, anyone but her. I was thankful. My feet were killing me by that point.

That was pretty much the extent of the shoot. My favorite line of the evening other than all the times people said I didn’t look trashy enough to be a hooker, was when the director shouted, “Don’t get too close to the sex worker!!!!”

Some people sounded a little offended by that, but truthfully, with Jen’s help, aren’t we both sex workers?!?!

And I was really having a blast. It was a great night and one of the costume guys latched on to me and brought me my coat between takes. He was so sweet. Usually, no one cares about us extras. We get to freeze. But thanks to him, I never got cold.

So there you have it, my night as a Hollywood hooker named Tanya on the pilot for ‘Crazy’. I hope it actually airs.